If I Didn't Believe In You
by imhookedonaswan
Summary: Emma is excited to land the role of Cathy Hiatt in the college production of "The Last Five Years" the role is everything Emma wanted, Cathy is vulnerable, angry, funny, and overwhelmingly human. The only problem is her co star Killian Jones.


"Emma don't worry I'm sure you got the part," Mary Margaret said as she jogged to catch up to Emma who was hurrying down the hall to check the cast list that had just been posted.

"Mary Margaret there are only two parts in the entire show, and only one that can be played by a girl so my chances are slim," Emma said slowing down as the door to the theater came into view.

"I saw your audition and you were amazing! You will make a great Cathy," Mary Margaret assured her as they drew closer to the postings board.

The Last Five Years

Cathy Hiatt...Emma Swan

Jaime Wellerstein...Killian Jones

Please come to room 331 at 6pm for meeting with director August Booth

to receive scripts and rehearsal schedules

Emma felt her jaw drop when she saw her name on the list, blinking in disbelief, "I got it!" she whispered to herself.

"I knew you would! You killed it on 'Climbing Uphill' August would have been out of his mind to not cast you! Who's Jaime?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Ugh Killian Jones, well he fits the part of an asshole who only cares about himself and his reputation," Emma groaned.

"Wow Swan and here I thought there was so much love between us," a voice announced from behind the two women. Emma turned to see Killian Jones standing behind her, obviously on his way to check the cast list, his messenger bag slung over his shoulder and his arms crossed in front of his chest, his blue eyes glaring at her.

"Oh please let's just get through this show and try not to give August an aneurysm in the process," Emma rolled her eyes at him and his smug face.

"Sounds like a deal, oh and you should know I was hoping it'd be you," he smirked before turning on his heel and walking down the hallway, "See you in rehearsal," he called over his shoulder.

"Can you believe him? Please tell me you're stage manager for this so I have someone to roll my eyes with during his antics?" Emma turned to Mary Margaret.

"Yep, August texted me yesterday telling me and I think Ruby is doing costumes for the show," Mary Margaret smiled, "And don't let Killian get to you, he may be an ass but you have to learn to pull it together if you're going to kiss him 5 nights a week with a matinee on Sundays for 2 weeks."

"Do not remind me," Emma chuckled as they walked out of the building heading to the closest dining hall for lunch before heading off to class.

Rehearsals went on as expected, with such a small cast and crew Emma couldn't completely avoid her obnoxious costar, but had learned to ignore him when not on stage with him which was most of the time.

"Hey Emma could we run 'Still Hurting' again, it still doesn't feel right," August said from his spot in the wings.

"Okay, but what about it doesn't feel right?" Emma asked before taking a sip of water.

"It feels too angry," August suggested.

"Angry? This woman has been through hell and her husband just walked out on her with not even a goodbye, of course she's going to be angry," Emma reasoned.

"Yes and that's all very true but with your very next song also being full to the brim with Cathy's anger we need some emotional variety, now come to center stage and listen to what I am saying as you sing, and remember sometime you need to really dig deep to get a great performance out," August advised.

Emma hit her mark at center stage and Jefferson started to play the opening bars of 'Still Hurting', she took a full breath and started to sing " _Jaime is over and Jaime is gone/ Jaime's decided it's time to move on._ "

"He's your husband and he just left you with only a fucking letter, five years together and he couldn't even face you to say it's over," August called out. Emma felt her brow furrow and sang on trying not to think about how Neal hadn't even left her a fucking letter, how Neal was there one day and gone the next.

" _Jaime's convinced that the problems are mine/ Jaime is probably doing just fine/ And I'm hurting,_ " Emma's voice wavered on the last word, she was determined to power through the song but couldn't escape the fact that now that Neal has entered her mind she can't get him out. How he always diminished her problems whenever she needed to vent to him, how he dismissed that they may have been having problems before he left her while she was at class, how he had left her the day before her statistics final exam and she had failed because she was still reeling putting her scholarship in danger, how he was out there somewhere and hasn't even bothered to call or even send her a fucking email telling her what happened. At least Cathy got a letter.

" _What about lies Jaime? What about things that you swore to be true? What about you, Jaime? What about you?_ " Emma knew her voice was all over the place, her throat felt tight and her face warm and her vision was starting to blur with unshed tears.

"Yes Emma just like that! I need to see more of the hurt and pain!" August cheered and Emma wanted to run offstage. He thought this was just her acting but this had cut too close and it felt like he was pouring salt in a wound. She felt the first tear fall down her face and try as she might to hold back the rest they kept coming, through the rest of the song.

" _Maybe I'd see/ how you could be/ so certain that we/ had no chance/ at all_ ," Emma nearly sobbed out the last word. She tried to rush through the rest of the song and thankfully Jefferson seemed to pick up the tempo slightly, but at the end she felt like she was going to implode into herself when she sang the last line.

"Beautiful Emma! If you can get to that level of raw emotion every night we'll sell out the whole theater for the whole run! And that's unheard of for a student production!" August beamed at her.

"Do you think maybe I could take a break?" Emma said trying to sound normal, that the tears were just part of the act.

"Of course go ahead," he nodded, "Mary Margaret I actually need to talk to you about the clock so crew gather round and actors take twenty," he called out. Emma rushed off stage and into the girl's dressing room which was blessedly empty since she was the only female cast member. She sat down on one of the chairs and let herself sob quietly. Her breathing ragged as she tried to regain her breath but she felt as if she couldn't get enough air no matter how deeply she breathed. Her face felt hot and flushed as the tears streamed freely down her face and her hair felt like dead weight around her neck. Emma jumped when she heard someone knocking on the door to the dressing room, she quickly tried to dry her eyes and smooth out her hair to give the impression that she had not just had a breakdown in the dressing room. She opened the door expecting to find Mary Margaret or Ruby coming to tell her she needed to get back on stage but was surprised to find Killian there.

"Does August need me back onstage?" she asked trying to seem casual.

"No he's still talking to the crew but are you alright?" he asked.

"Yeah why do you ask?" Emma shrugged.

"Because while August was busy patting himself on the back for getting you to this 'emotional breakthrough' I couldn't help but notice something was off," he looked so sincere, too sincere for Emma's liking.

"Maybe I'm just a better actress than you thought," Emma deflected.

"You know Swan you're something of an open book," he cocked an eyebrow at her.

Emma gaped at him for a second before shaking her head slightly, no she was not going to get into the details of her shitty ex with her annoying costar, she just couldn't do it right then, "I have to go talk to Jefferson about the bridge in 'Climbing Uphill' I don't have time to discuss with you how you think you can read me," she spat and tried to push past him to escape the way he looked at her.

"No you don't, you can sing that song in your sleep," he said catching her by the elbow, "Now please tell me what happened up there that made you so upset," he pleaded with her.

"Why do you even care?" Emma snapped and hated herself for the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes.

"Because believe it or not, I'm a decent human being who knows people don't cry like that without reason. Those tears and those emotions were real and I just wanted to make sure you were okay to keep rehearsing. So are you? Okay I mean?"

"Fine I'll level with you, something out there might have struck a cord but I'd rather not go telling my fucking life story to you. I just need a few minutes to myself is that too much to ask?" Emma said and felt a new round of tears fall from her eyes.

"I'll hold August off as long as I can, text me when you want to come back out," Killian placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Emma looked up at his face and was met with Killian's face full of sincerity and she was surprised that none of her alarm bells were going off.

"Thank you," she said and watched him walk back to the front of the house where August was still holding court with the crew, before going back into the dressing room.

A few days later August approached them after he ended rehearsal for the night, something clutched behind his back. Emma looked at him cautiously, mentally preparing herself for whatever crazy director tactic he was going to lay on them.

"It's looking great you two, you both have great comedic timing and the chemistry is off the charts," he started to say.

"But?" Killian interjected.

"But I'm not feeling like you two are connecting during the wedding scene, this is the happiest day of these people's lives and you two look like there's just this wall between you," August explained.

"Okay but why not tell us during the scene? Why are you telling us now when you said we were done for the day?" Emma questioned.

"I never said you two could leave," August smirked dangerously. He pulled a bottle of rum from behind his back and presented it to a very confused Killian, "You two are going to stay here and drink and get to know each other. And I don't mean surface stuff I want you to get down to the nitty gritty details about what makes the other person tick."

"You can't be serious? You can't force us to be here against our will!" Emma protested.

"Really mate is this necessary? I'm sure we both have things we actually need to do tonight," Killian jumped in.

"Nope you are both staying here and breaking down that wall, now have fun," he pushed the bottle into Killian's hands and ran out of the building.

"Hey you can't do this!" Emma shouted running after him but he was too quick for her and slammed the door. Emma pushed on the door but it wouldn't budge, the bastard had probably propped a chair against it wedging it shut.

"Well what should we do now?" Killian said walking up behind her, the bottle still in his hand. Emma turned and grabbed it, unscrewing the cap and taking a long pull.

"We drink I guess, because the only way I am spending god knows how long trapped with you is with a significant amount of alcohol in my system," she handed him back the bottle.

"Well said lass," he took a long pull from the bottle and smiled at her, "now shall we get started on tearing down that wall?"

"Alcohol first then tragic back stories," Emma grabbed the bottle back from him.

It started out easy enough, getting to know some of the more surface things about each other, safe and unoffensive questions that mainly had to do with the show. She asked him what his most favorite and least favorite song was ("I fucking hate 'A Miracle Could Happen' I feel like a complete prat while singing it," he had admitted, "As if I'd be foolish enough to want to sleep with other women when I've married the most bloody amazing woman in the world." Emma had blushed at that, she was pretty sure it had nothing to do with the alcohol coursing through her body.) He had asked her about why she liked being an actress when most of her friends seemed to work backstage, she told him the half truth. By then the bottle was half empty and Emma was feeling it and by the looks of Killian's lazy half smile he was too.

"I'm gonna need some food in me if we keep drinking at this pace," Emma announced.

"I think there's a vending machine down by the dressing rooms, shall we?" he offered her his arm once he staggered to his feet.

Emma looked at him and his outstretched arm, considering him for a moment and then linked her arm through his, "Only so I don't fall on my ass."

"Whatever you say Swan," he answered and they drunkenly searched for any food they could find.

"Score this vending machine has goldfish!" Emma cheered once they found it.

"I'm partial to Cheetos myself but to each their own," Killian dug into his pocket to look for change and together they put together a nice spread of non perishable foods also including fruit snacks ("Swan we need a side dish to go with our main course!") and a pack of Hostess cupcakes for dessert spread out in front of them on the floor of the stage, the ghost light illuminating the food and making it seem more appetizing.

"My brother used to get something like this every Friday when we walked home from school," Killian said, pointing at the cupcakes.

"I didn't know you have a brother, is he coming to the show?" Emma asked.

"No, uh he died a couple of years ago," Killian looked down at his food.

"I'm so sorry," Emma felt like she should comfort him but wasn't sure how to do it.

"It was a boating accident some people were drinking and they just crashed right into us," Killian explained, his brow furrowing at the memory.

Emma shifted closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him the way he had comforted her, "My parents abandoned me on the side of a freeway when I was a baby." She felt Killian shift and look at her and looked up to see his blue eyes boring into hers, "A secret for a secret," she said.

"Is this the nitty gritty August was talking about?" he asked.

"I guess it is, your turn," she passed him the bottle of rum.

"I had an affair with an older woman, until one day her husband showed up at my flat and told me in no uncertain terms that he was moving her across the country and if I ever tried to contact her he would have me arrested, I never even got to say goodbye to her," he admitted.

"What was her name?"

"Milah."

"I never got to say goodbye to someone I loved either," Emma said before taking a long drink of rum, "2 years together and one day I come back to the apartment and his stuff is moved out and our landlord saying he had just left and that I had better find a roommate or pony up his share of the rent."

"Is that what made you so upset during 'Still Hurting'?"

"Yes," Emma nodded.

"And what was his name?"

"Neal."

"Well if you don't mind me saying love, that Neal guy sounds like a tosser. He obviously didn't see the amazing, strong, tenacious, and talented woman standing in front of him," he smiled at her, without a trace of irony.

"You really mean all of that?" Emma tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Aye, of course I do," Killian's eyes darted down to her lips. Emma quickly grabbed the bottle and brought it to her lips when she noticed it was empty.

"The damn bottle's empty," she said, avoiding his gaze.

"That's a shame, but perhaps we should be finding places to sleep, it's almost three in the morning," Killian stood up. "I think there's a couch in the costume shop, want to go see?"

"Okay," Emma stood up and they walked to the costume shop to find the ancient and squishy couch stuffed in the corner. Killian began taking a few cushions off and placing them on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Emma asked.

"Well I figured I'd just make a bed on the floor, let you have the couch," he explained, his fingers scratching behind his ear.

"You can sleep on the couch, it'll be fine," Emma said surprising herself.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, just don't drool on me," she smirked.

"I think I can manage that," Killian chuckled and they settled onto the couch together and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Emma stood in the wings, waiting nervously for the lights to go up and for her to go on stage for the only scene she interacts with Killian in. Ever since August had locked them in the theater together, ever since he found them tangled together asleep on the costume shop couch Emma had tried to avoid Killian like the plague. She let him get too close and see too much of herself that night and Emma couldn't get the image of August grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat when he found her and Killian basically spooning on the couch together.

"You all right?" Killian asked approaching her, he had also kept his distance from her as much as he could after that night, but Emma didn't miss the way his eyes seemed to linger on her when he thought she wasn't looking at him.

"Yeah you ready?" she whispered. He nodded and linked his hand in hers, and they walked out on stage both trying to look like a happy couple completely in love with each other.

" _Cathy, will you share your life with me for the next ten minutes?_ " Killian sang, turning to her on stage. Emma studied him as he sang Jaime's proposal to Cathy, but there was something about the earnestness in his face that set it apart from rehearsal, as if it was Killian singing to Emma; not Jaime singing to Cathy.

" _I am not always on time, please don't expect that from me. I will be late but if you can just wait, I'll be there eventually_ ," Emma sang back to him, feeling the lights and the crew and the audience melting away until it was just her and Killian. " _I don't know why people run, I don't know why things fall through, I don't know how anybody survives in this life without someone like you._ " She kept her eyes on him as he pulled her close to him, warmth and comfort radiating from his body. They sang the duet right to each other instead of cheating out to the audience and Emma was sure August was going to yell at them but she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from Killian's.

" _I do_ ," Killian sang his eyes darting down to Emma's lips just as they did that night.

" _I do_ ," Emma swayed closer to him.

" _I do_ ," they sang together before Killian capture her lips with his. His arms encircled her waist and Emma's hand anchored itself at the nape of his neck, her fingers carding through his dark hair. They let the music swirl around them as they kissed and Killian's tongue teased at her bottom lip and Emma granted him access. Emma heard the music change tempo and suddenly came back to herself and realized that she was full on making out with her co star on Opening Night and broke the kiss, her heart thumping so heart she was sure her mic was picking it up. She sang the last bars of the song and they walked off stage together, still in a slight daze that they both missed the thundering sound of applause.

The curtain came down and the house lights came up signaling intermission and August came jogging up to the both of them.

"What exactly was that out there? It was _brilliant_ I knew it was a good idea saving the first kiss for the opening," he beamed.

"Yeah great idea mate, now excuse me I need to change for the second act," Killian said quickly and hurried into his dressing room.

"Me too, but thanks August," Emma said and retreated to her dressing room and leaned against the door, letting out a long breath. She tried to go over in her mind what had happened on stage, tried to rationalize what had happened. She had kissed other people for plays before, but it had never felt like that, hell it had never felt like that period. She brushed her fingertips over her lips, she could still feel his on them. Maybe he was just a really good actor or maybe they both got caught up in the song or maybe it was just all in her head? Emma tried to think of any excuse she could think of to convince herself that the kiss meant nothing. She was shaken from her thoughts when she heard a familiar knock on the door, Emma took a deep breath knowing who was on the other side and opened the door.

"Hi," he said, sounding relieved that she had opened the door and let him in.

"Hey," she replied, feeling not quite sure what to do with her hands.

"Emma I want to get something clear," he started, "That kiss meant something to me, and I think it did to you too."

"And how are you so sure, it was a stage kiss," Emma tried to defend herself.

"You and I both know that kiss was much more than a stage kiss, as I've said before you're an open book. And I know that you're scared of what that kiss might mean."

Emma took a tentative step forward, "You're right, I am scared. Things end Killian, that's the whole point of this show."

"No, the point of this show is that Cathy and Jaime just weren't right for each other. Jaime was too self centered and Cathy too jealous butI'm not Jaime and I'm definitely not Neal. I would never leave without saying goodbye," Killian said taking her hand in his.

Emma stared up at him and swayed towards him, her head tilting up and meeting his lips with hers. The kiss was tender, vulnerable, and incredibly different than the kiss they shared on stage, Killian's hand traveled up to cradle her face, his thumb stroking her cheek.

"Be my date during the cast party?" Emma asked when they broke the kiss.

"Absolutely," Killian smiled before pulling her into another kiss. The first of many.


End file.
